is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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