Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
