oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
