Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
she pinky promised me she was 18
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
