Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Kiss
Puke
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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