Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
