we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Randomize
