Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
