I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
