batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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