Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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