Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
