im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Terrible idea I love it
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
