i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
