I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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