At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
