just survived the first fart of the relationship.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
