Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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