There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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