genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
