there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
