apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I checked into jail on foursquare
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Congratulations! We have a period
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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