ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
