I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
