i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Send help, water and tortillas.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
not ubering you a puppy
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
