I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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