Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Two words: blizzard sex
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
