I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
