I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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