You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
