just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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