You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
