I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
