I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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