the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
