You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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