I wish my penis had an off switch
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I think your dad took our porno
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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