just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
