sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
