My Higher Power is John Stamos
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
