i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
