you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
and you fell through a lawn chair
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
