she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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