We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
