I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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