I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm at about main and main street
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
