Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
