just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
