i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
