Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
