I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
