I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
