She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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