Porn is love you can see.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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