I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
