I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Randomize