ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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