i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
PANTIES FOUND
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