So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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