She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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