She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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