How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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