Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Randomize
