somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
